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| Stephen Colbert tours what he believes will be his future place of employment. |
Colbert throws mayoral hat into ring
TAKOMA PARK, MD – Takoma Park citizens will find an unexpected candidate on the ballot when they step into voting booths this November 6th. Last week Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report, and author of I Am America (And So Can You!) announced that he will run for mayor of Takoma Park. “I am going to teach this little burg a lesson,” said Colbert on his show last week. “Freedom of choice appears to be dead in this so-called hotbed of democracy, and apathy reigns supreme.” Colbert was referring to the fact that all but one of the candidates in this year’s election are running unopposed. “In fact, I’d have run for all the council seats as well if it weren’t for some nasty fine print in the city code,” continued Colbert.
Colbert raised some eyebrows last month when he declared that he was entering the presidential race, but only in the South Carolina primary. He sees the Takoma Park local race as an insurance plan. “I’m realistic,” explained Colbert, “I know I won’t win in the national race. But this looks like easy pickin’s.” In fact, local polls show him with a slight lead on his opponent, Bruce Williams.
Some have questioned his eligibility to run for the post. When challenged at a local press conference Colbert asserted that he is indeed a resident of Takoma Park. He claimed that he owns a condominium in Takoma Park which he uses as a home base for business trips to Washington DC. “Yes, I live right down on Main Street my friend, where else?” When informed that there is no Main Street in Takoma Park Colbert replied, “you know, that street that runs down the “main” part of town... uh, down by the fire station and that funky little Harris Teeter wannabe.”
When pressed on what his platform consists of, Colbert offered no substantive stands on local issues. “Platform? I’d hate to bore you with such details,” he declared, “I have simple goals for Takoma Park. They are: 1) to get on the mayoral ballot; 2) to become mayor of this fine city; and 3) to write a sequel to my new book and call it I Am Takoma Park (So Vote for Me!).
Pork Election Picks
The Takoma Pork editors, mindful of our civic duty, just spent the last several months interviewing the mayoral and city council candidates on the big issues facing Takoma Park. It wasn’t always pretty as we probed the candidates relentlessly, searching their deepest recesses for answers to some of the toughest policy questions of the day: Do we allow innocent residents to continue to be assaulted by random poems as they go about their business, or do we put an end to the Poetry Project? How do the candidates feel about adult breastfeeding in public? If they were elected, would they wear City Council Briefs™ or boxers to city council meetings—and why?
Although some may find it shocking, we decided to endorse all of the candidates who are running for office. We are also simultaneously predicting that all of them—except for either Ward 3 candidates Bridget Bowers or Dan Robinson—will win. In fact, we are so confident of our choices that if we are wrong, we will run for office in the next election. Can you say the same?
Love,
The Takoma Pork Editors |
Takoma Pork is Takoma Park's very own satirical newspaper. When not cavorting
with the Takoma Voice, it is published quasi-quarterly by Molly Galvin,Benjamin
Purow, Marjory Ruderman and Hisao Yatsuhashi. Takoma Pork can be found in
fine local establishments and at: takomapork.com . |
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