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"It's time to wake up!"
Emory Luce Baldwin |
Local schools are now open, and throughout the region there are similar
dramas being played out every morning: "Wake up Susie! Wake up
Johnny! C'mon, I mean it this time...You're late! You are
going to have to hurry! Don't forget your lunch, backpack, homework,
band instrument, note for the teacher, etc., etc. Hurry up! There's
the bus/your ride/your friends! It's time to GO!"
You may shout, "hurry up!" and see a brief burst of energy, but when you check back a minute later the kids are once again spacing out and drifting along at glacial speed. |
Many parents are frustrated with their family morning routine, but find
that there is little (short of dynamite) they can do to hurry up their
kids. When our kids were babies we longed for the day when they
would dress and feed themselves. Now that they are older, it seems
like the kids should be more self-sufficient. Instead, the kids
are spacing out or flying around the house being silly.
The more hurried and anxious you feel as you try to get the kids
ready and out the door, the more your children look as if
they feel...what? Are
they more focused, hurried, or concerned about being on time? Au
contraire, your children probably look very, very relaxed. You
may shout, "hurry up!" and see a brief burst of energy, but when you
check back a minute later the kids are once again spacing out
and drifting along at glacial speed.
And why is that?
The more responsibility the parent takes for getting the kids ready
on time, the less responsibility and effort the child needs to put into
it. A child doesn't need to stay focused if a parent is nagging
them every five minutes. They don't need to hurry if the parent
is rushing around doing all the hurrying. They don't need to care
if they are late or not, if the parent is doing 100 percent of the caring.
Hassled parents have taken on too much of the responsibility for getting
their kids ready in the morning. It is true that infants certainly
need an adult to dress them and feed them, but even young children who
have learned how to dress themselves can be responsible for doing it
in a timely manner. Certainly by the time a child is ready for
kindergarten, they are also capable of getting dressed and fed fairly
quickly.
It really isn't an issue in most families whether or not the children
have the capability of getting ready in the morning. The most
important issue is motivation: does your child want to get ready and
get out the door on time or not? If you automatically think "not," then
how can you encourage your kids to take more personal responsibility
to get ready on time?
To begin with, decide what you are willing to do, and what you are not
willing to do. One friendly wake up call in the morning is sufficient,
for instance, but no more. You also may be willing to purchase
personal alarm clocks for children who are about seven years old or older. You
may be willing to put out the breakfast cereals or cook the breakfast,
but not be willing to serve the food to anyone who isn't dressed. You
may be willing to give one friendly reminder about the time
("Ten more minutes before the carpool is here!").
This brings us to the really big question then, what do you do when--inevitably--the
child really is late and misses the bus, or the carpool, or must walk
to school late? Different families deal with this in different
ways. The most effective consequences are based on an assumption
that the child is capable of being responsible for themselves for being
on time and they are capable of being responsible for themselves
when they are late.
This may mean, for instance, that the child understands that they will
be going to school in a taxi that they will pay for out of their allowance. In
one family that I know, the children negotiated with a family friend
who lived next door that they could pay her for a ride to school in an
emergency. In other families, the parent who was willing to drive
the child to school late would do so, but would be compensated by the
child for the lost time at work and even the lost vacation time (perhaps
by doing extra chores for the parent).
Giving children real responsibility for what happens when they are late
restores an important balance to morning routines. Nagging and
yelling are notoriously ineffective at getting children to hurry. But
the responsibility for being on time or paying for an alternative ride
to school puts the zip into every child to get ready on time.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator
with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist
working with families with children and adolescents in Takoma Park
and Kensington. For more information about PEP classes and programs,
call 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org . To
contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.
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